Q&A-me in my element

It has been too long since I've written in this. I have thought about it many times but haven't had the chance to act on such thoughts. I must not have my brain organized or maybe I'm just too busy. Anyway, since I've been back in the States, I've narrowed a lot of my life down to working and playing music. With the debut of my 5 song E.P. and the various shows that have been set up I have been fortunate to start earning money off of my music. I was even chosen by my friend and his classmates to do a promotional project for my music. A girl from the group asked me some questions for a press release but I apparently didn't respond quick enough. I felt as if I could not answer the questions as clear as she would have hoped for anyway. Nevertheless, I decided to post my answers on my blog because I think these are good examples of who I am as an artist and as a musician. Enjoy.

Question: Are there any specific bands and artists that inspire/have inspired you to create original music? If not, are there certain instances or aspects of your own life that influence your music?

My Answer: I don't believe any artist has "inspired" me to create...I was created by the Creator to create and I believe that that is true for many. However, a wide range of artists have influenced my style and the way that I share and focus my creativity. I have been influenced by artists such as Jack Johnson, Johnny Flynn, Mumford & Sons, Willy Mason, Cat Stevens, Damien Rice, Modest Mouse and many many more. I like to view my music as bits and pieces from every artist who's music I have grown to love and respect.

I have developed a writers' mind and I am continuously on the offense when it comes to creating new material. Lyrically, my music is very affected by the ups and downs of my life. My songs carry the heavy questions and understandings of my faith, my personal life and my relationships as well as the light examples of my laid back nature throughout my everyday life.

Question: Are there any specific bands and artists that you compare yourself to?

My Answer: The death of an artist is when he or she compares himself or herself to another. So my answer is no. However, others have compared my music to anyone from Cat Stevens, James Blunt, John Mayer and many more. I do welcome my audience to relate to and understand my music by mentally placing me with other musicians and songwriters but I will never be a John Mayer and he will never be a Doug Mains. So, personally, I don't see the purpose in comparing myself to anyone.

a take on understanding love

I was packed in the far back corner on the side of the bus opposite of where I needed to be. People filled the bus so I could barely see out any window but my own. As we were riding, I was trying to maintain a decent view through the far windows and the heads of the other passengers so that I could quickly knock on the window signifying that I wanted off when I saw the church. I was lucky that someone else had planned to get off at the same spot as me and stopped the bus. When I realized that we had already arrived at my destination, I told my neighbor, who was practically sitting on my left leg, that I needed out. I couldn't understand his confusion, I needed to get out of the bus. For me to successfully step off of the bus I had to wait for about six others to step off first and I couldn't budge the man sitting on top of me. Finally, I was able to squeeze out and make my way to the entrance of the church. I was there to sit in on their worship practice that also served as a Bible Study. Before we started jamming out we got into a discussion about love.

The guy next to me brought up a good question, how do we show love to someone who is hard to love? Beneficial answers quickly surfaced from around the room. This was one: "pray for them and respect their space." Amen. Christ prayed for his persecutors so I think we can pray for the ones that are kind of annoying and respect their annoying space. But as the discussion deepened I finally spoke up my undeveloped thoughts. I believe there is a definite difference between showing love and honest love. In fact, as Christians I believe we are called not just to show love but to truly and honestly love our neighbors. So, maybe the question is not "how do we show love?" but "how can we honestly love?"

It's a hard concept really. We're very used to showing love. We all tend to know how to make a stranger feel welcome or well-liked with friendly smiles, firm handshakes and questions about their lives. But when that relationship gets rocky, do we still respond in true love? In the movie Dan In Real Life the teen boyfriend of the dramatic middle daughter tells the dad that love is not a feeling, it's an ability. That's a very interesting statement that has had me thinking. To me, this is saying that the ability to love is like the ability to do a back flip, you can either do it or you can't. Well, personally, I can't do a back-flip and most people are hard to love. It's easy to love my mom but I think we're talking about a different kind of ability. This ability to love is for everyone else who is considered "your neighbor", the annoying ones as well as the not so much.

I think a lot of times when we see problems with our neighbors it distracts us from our own issues. And therefore, blaming our own inabilities to love on the annoying guy. However, if we look at other peoples' problems in a right way, then the Holy Spirit can actually bring light to our own failures and therefore bring us to our knees in prayer. But not a prayer that is focused on anyone outside of ourselves. Instead, a prayer asking that God will change our own hearts to love or forgive this person no matter what they do or have done. A prayer asking for the ability to love. For if we have love then we will show love. You can show love without having it but you cannot have love without the overwhelming desire to show it.

the gift of divine comfort

The wall told me, "cast all your anxieties on the Lord for He cares for you." Even this verse from 1 Peter that was taped on the wall was hard to swallow. My head had been spinning for hours with worries, fears and anxieties about what I had to do and yet could not. So I tried Peter's smart-A idea. Every time I tried to "cast my anxieties on the Lord" I felt as if the words fell out of my mouth like light feathers poofing out then gliding to the floor. Getting no where and received by no one, just a useless mess. Finally, I pinned my thoughts between the roll of a ball-point pen and a piece of paper and I was able to offer up each of my anxieties for the Great Comforter to take on. This method was good but soon enough I got discouraged once again.

I have a hard time accepting and understanding grace. I see this in my current living situation. My Aunt and Uncle generously allow me to stay with them for free. Of course, in return I am expected to help out in her art studio, his bookstore and anywhere in between. But whether I work hard or lazy around I am still richly spoiled by them and it's very hard for me to accept. I see this same struggle in my relationship with the Father. Divine comfort is a gift from God despite the fact that we deserve to suffer in an everlasting discomfort. It's hard for me to comprehend how a God so great would want to deal with my issues, or who I would think I am to cast my problems on someone else. I tend to see the Father as a Dad that has is own things to worry about and if I present him with my problems he'll stress out that I would smother him after a long day at work. So I take care of them. It's not like if I had an issue popping a zit on my back I would just turn to an authoritative figure and say "here, I'm done, you do it." Their reaction would most likely be, "gross, why can't you do it?" Therefore, I pop my own zits.

Alas, I am in a state of hopelessness. The things I worry about are not fixable right now as I am stranded on an Island. Here I have two options. The first is to keep dwelling on craziness and let it ruin the rest of my experience. The second option is to follow Peter's instruction and cast all of my anxieties on the Lord. I would like to easily chose the latter. However, my lack of ability to accept grace is tightly associated with my lack of understanding that He is our comforter because He wants to be the one who comforts. And now I realize this: I will always be a screw up and I will never deserve the comfort, grace or love that the Lord wants to overflow my life with. But, because of Christ Jesus, the Lord sets aside his anger so that He may comfort me to an unbelievable extent full of grace and love.

"I will give thanks to you, O Lord, for though you were angry with me, your anger turned away, that you might comfort me." -Isaiah 12:1

looking to prisoners for lessons on freedom.

Have you ever climbed through a small door that makes the entrance inside prison walls and heard a choir of imprisoned men singing that their sins are taken away? It's a lot more emotional than hearing a well-dressed choir who pretend that they don't have any problems singing the same thing. I think I dress the best and sing the loudest in that choir. I love to avoid my problems. It comes very easy to me, especially since I don't wake up inside prison walls that stand as daily reminders of how my sins have taken me captive. I'm sure that these men can relate to me in that they do have problems that are avoidable but they had at least one mistake that led them to an unforgettable prison cell. I think that these imprisoned Christian men can understand a spiritual freedom better than I can.

A few days before attending the prison Sunday service, I went with my Uncle to the prison Bible Study. They started going through a book about spiritual freedom. My Uncle was quick to clarify that it is about spiritual freedom and not a "prison escapes for dummies" book. The book comes with a video. The author/speaker on the little TV that was crowded by men straining to hear said that the foundation of understanding spiritual freedom is understanding our identity.

Here is my history with identity. I think that with these popular fads of online profiles who we are has been cheapened to Facebook creeping and MySpace stalking. Do you know all of your Facebook friends better than their profiles? Generally, we are known by what we do or like and I think that is why Facebook profiles are often treated as identity cards.

If you haven't crept on me recently, some of my interests on my profile are soccer, music and people. In high school, like many other teens, I would try to figure out who I was especially through these three interests. I succeeded in soccer so that I could be known as an All-State soccer player; I succeeded in music so that I could be remembered as a gifted musician; and I succeeded in making friends so that I could be loved and respected as the really nice guy. Needless to say, frustration hit me more than high fives or pats on the back. I started to entertain the thought of having my identity put in Christ. It's remained a great idea but I've not fully understood what exactly that means. Finally, I realize that identity is associated with birth, not by what I do. This is what I believe that means:

I was born an American, I was born white, I was born a male. Whether or not I strum a guitar, kick a ball, offer firm handshakes and a smiling face or like Cheeseburgers, I'm still a white American male.

I was born-again a Christian, I was born-again atoned, I was born-again adopted and saved into an eternal life with my King. Whether or not I lust after a woman, get impatient with the arrogant, I am hypocritical or I suck at staying in the Word I remain an atoned, adopted, saved Christ-follower.

Obama's tie choice.

Have you ever thought of Obama picking out his ties? The only thing that really changes about his get-up is his ties. You think he wakes up and chooses his favorite light blue tie or does he have his wife or new clothing advisor pick them? Anyway, we've been out of wireless at the house so I am now sitting on a big comfy couch in Rituals Coffee sitting across from a TV set on BBC World News. BBC is my new favorite news channel. I don't think we get it much in the states but I plan to keep up with it online. This is why I love it: It's not biased, it simply presents the facts. These are the ways that I find there are no biases:

1. It's not biased towards America. It doesn't make the U.S.A. to be the hero all the time, it simply presents the facts. It shows how some of America's decisions affect other people across the globe, whether negatively or positively.

2. It's not biased towards a Political Party. I feel in the States, people think news channels are meant to brainwash. I always hear how one is so Democratic where as the other is so Republican. BBC doesn't take an obvious lean toward the Democratic party nor the Republican party it simply presents the facts.

3. Again, it's not biased towards America. It is BBC World News not BBC U.S.A News.

That's the story.

funeral hopping pays off.

I find random funerals extremely inspiring. Death is inspiring in itself in that it raises awareness and questions of the great human reality that we do not live forever despite common ignorance. The funeral of Theresa St. Johns' was not my first experience at a random funeral. In high school, I was at my Grandma's house in Cincinnati when she got a call informing her that a young man from her church was killed in a motorcycle accident. She asked me to accompany her at the funeral so in love for my Grandmother I did. It was packed with high school students and somehow, family and friends were able to squeeze in as well. Student after student, family member after family member, friend after friend got up to the microphone sharing the best of their beloved deceased. His life, brought to light by his death, was very inspiring for me though I had never met the guy. I decided then that I wanted to live a life that was worth something...I did not want to waste my life. A little later after that Apostle Paul's words to the Philippians truly sunk in, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

This time, I wasn't very excited about attending a random funeral. It was the funeral of Theresa St. Johns, a well respected Grenadian woman who died at the age of 94. I went with my aunt and uncle so I could "experience a Grenadian funeral". It was much like a typical American funeral from what I could tell just drawn out. Hearing a number of stories about her passion and love in life was incredible. All I will ever know of Theresa St. Johns is that she was a wonderful, passionate, Christian woman who spread her faith and love for Jesus like a disease. Her two and a half hour "celebration" began and ended with the proclamation of Jesus Christ. Her constant question was quoted throughout, "Do you know Jesus as your Savior?"

Do I know Jesus as my Savior? Yeah, I do... But I couldn't help but think about how every attendee will someday be the one laying in the casket up front, including me. For some, the time is coming soon. For others, the time is coming even sooner. And every single person has a choice. That choice will decide if their death will be the beginning of even more death or be the start of even more life. I believe that Theresa St. Johns' death was a celebration of her eternal life with the Father but also, through her exit others have found life through Christ. So, I am grateful for the opportunity I had to get to know Theresa St. Johns...she was an inspiring lady. I pray that I too will grow to be like my Savior in that by my death the lost will find their meaning just as I have found mine.

coffee shop worship and a battlefield

I hadn't thought to ask Summer if it would be fine if I brought my Chai tea into the Bible Study until we were two steps away from the door. She said it would probably be OK. When I heard her say the word, probably I had a good feeling that this was not the type of community I had expected.

Coming into it with my brand new West Virginian friend on the campus of St. George's University I had anticipated a group of white grad students lounged on some couches discussing their feelings and things like purity and being a Christian in the Grenadian culture. We walked into the classroom-made-pentecostal-sanctuary and immediately I knew that it was, indeed, not what I had expected.

In fact, entering with a Chai in my hand, it was quickly apparent that I was more accustomed to a "coffee shop" style of worship opposed to their pentecostal lean. We saw two standing, seemingly Grenadian ladies who were praying simultaneously out loud. Summer quickly joined in. I hung out in the back until a friendly face named Janice invited me to also join them in front. I stood there awkwardly as nothing but a skeptic. Then, with my head hung and my eyes giving the impression that I was in a time of deep prayer...I thought. Here is what happened:

I think the new fad is this "coffee shop" style of church. If that is true then obviously I do pretty well at fitting in. I like coffee, I like to be laid back and I don't think I am the only skeptic when it comes to outgoing pentecostal habits. It's true that for many "chill" Christians who like to sip on their coffees during worship, it can be an uncomfortable and possibly bothersome experience to sit through an outgoing pentecostal service. We love to be skeptical. Based on my recent spiritually complacent behavior I then wondered if this is what I was missing.

Fighting past my uncomfortable state I started to quietly pray. I prayed, if these Christians have something that I do not understand that then I too would be blessed with that intimate connection or realization that would cause me to burst out in uncontrollable praise to the Father. Right then, it no longer mattered to me where their hearts were but where mine was. Instead of being a skeptic I became an open mind for the Holy Spirit to come and work. If I was, if I am missing out on something I want to be caught up and caught up quickly.

Eventually, we moved into the discussion. My new friend Janice stepped to the front as the leader. In her British accent, she encouraged the small group to form a tight circle. After minutes of hearing her speak I found that she is not only a woman blessed with a beautiful smile but also of great and respectable wisdom and an ability to share it in a clear manner. She talked about the mind as the battlefield for spiritual warfare and about us, therefore, taking every thought captive in order to obey Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). How true it is that the evil one and the heavenly fight over our mind and soul. Like Hebrews 12 Janice related it to running a race.

If the word runner means "one who runs" then, yes, I have been a runner in my time. However, if the word means "one who is trained to run a marathon" then, please, count me out. I hate running. Either way, through my own experience and through what I've heard about trained runners, mind control is essential to the finishing of a race. I've only run in training for soccer but I know, for me, about half way on a run my mind tells my body to give up. My mind tells me that my legs are going to fall off or, even more dramatic, that I'm going to die a horrible death on the side of the road. But at that time if I take my thoughts captive, I will find control for my mind and finish the race with endurance. Likewise, with purity for example, when my mind tells my body to give up and give in, I must then take that impure thought captive under the power of the Word. I must encourage my mind in the Lord and through His Word. "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." -Gal. 6:9

This is only a glimpse of what I got from tonight's meeting. I feel truly blessed to have the opportunity to become involved in this community and I look forward to joining them again next week.

did you know i was in grenada?

Did you know I was in Grenada? Or did you forget because the majority of this blog thus far has been consumed with only my thoughts. I do realize that some may read this in order to get updates about my time in Grenada. In a sense, my random thoughts do relate to my trip. That being said, this will be a "my life in Grenada" update.

Last week, I worked with a work team from Nebraska. We worked on the campus of the Berean Christian Academy preparing the way for a cement floor to come in. The school is in pretty bad shape and though we did not make it much more beautiful we did take a step toward beauty. I quite enjoyed getting to know the work team as well as the primary students through out last week.

I have spent time working at my aunt and uncle's bookstore and art gallery. I do very much enjoy it. Also, I've had the chance to work in the primary school substituting for unavailable teachers. Tuesday, I worked with the kindergarten. They're insane. Tomorrow I'll be working with the first grade.

My aunt teaches an art class at Saint George's University. I am her "assistant". Basically, that means I carry her stuff up the stairs and sit in the class as a student. But we don't tell Saint George I am anything but an assistant. I have learned quite a bit about art already through my aunt. She is a professional artist and a great teacher who has never taken a formal art class. She's encouraged me to start a daily sketch journal. So I have. I really believe the biggest improvement in my art that I can make while I'm here is getting back into it. I've also had the opportunity to work with her in her studio. We are preparing for a few shows she has coming up. I have been matting prints and stretching canvases. Both are good things to know and learn.

Tomorrow, I am taking a bus to some place I've never been and meeting my friend Istra. I will be attending a meeting with All 4 Christ, a group of young, Christian Grenadians who are trying to bless the community in the name of Christ. I look forward to being involved with this community.

Friday night, I will be running a soccer clinic with the primary school kids. It will be a great time to hang out with kids and play some futbol.

I am reading Not On Our Watch by Don Cheadle and John Prendergast. It is a dense book about the genocide in Darfur region of Sudan and how anyone can have a part in putting an end to it.

Honestly, there is constantly a lot going on everyday and I cannot condense everything that has happened and is going happen into a simple blog post. I am learning and growing very much so during my time here. I am excited to see what God has instore for me for the last three or four weeks. If you are the praying type, please pray that I will continue to grow in wisdom, discipline and love.

i'm ashamed to admit that...

I knew I was falling.
I knew it would hurt.
But, I enjoyed the breeze I caught on the way down.
Still, I hit the bottom.
And, indeed...it did hurt.

deferred? c'mon sugar daddy...

When I found out from my roommates via skype that Moody Bible Institute deferred me the first thing that popped into my head was, deferred? What the crap does that mean? Well, I asked Google and he told me that it meant postponed or hold back to a later time. Apparently it's a good thing to be deferred. By "good thing" I think they mean that it's not necessarily a bad thing because I wasn't denied acceptance but I wasn't approved acceptance yet, I was deferred. I've been praying that God would prepare my heart no matter what the results but I never expected to be...deferred. I turned in my application in time to make the early decision. I waited patiently for January 15 (the date the letters were sent out) then I waited anxiously until January 26 only to find out that I have to wait two more months. Ah. Needless to say that I'm an anxious mess. But as I pray I am reminded of Jesus' words in Matthew 6:25-34:

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself."

For the longest time I thought that this meant that if I worked hard for God or if I was "poor for Jesus" he'd whip out his wallet and pass out everything I need and more. I would then say, "thanks sugar daddy!" and run off. See, as a culture, we're generally spoiled brats and we're like teenage kids who expect what we want when we want it. But, instead of having a daddy that caters to our materialistic desires we have a Father who says, "Why do you search for answers when I am the answer? Why do you search to be filled when I will overflow your cup? Why do you want more when I am all you need?" Obviously, I didn't understand this then so I got discouraged when my expectations were not met. I was too focused on what I would get out of this "seeking first" deal.

I eventually came to realize that if I really, honestly am seeking first the kingdom of God with all my heart then I really have no reason to worry at all. In other words, whether I am accepted, denied or deferred, I have no reason to worry. Whether I have to wait 2 days, 2 months or 2 years, I have no reason to worry because I trust that God's watch is right. Whether I am fed today or not, whether I have clothes today or not, whether I have an education or not, there is never a reason to be anxious or to fret because I have found Jesus. It's a hard concept to live out but that's how faith is. Our faith should be in Jesus and in Him alone because He is our King and He is all.

sleeping like i'm not and praying like i'm hot...

Yesterday, I had the revelation that I would be a really screwed up guy if I had never found Jesus. I believe that's true.

It was 4 a.m. before I got any sleep. Between the squeaking of the bed, the buzzing of mosquitoes, the itching and scratching of the evidence left from mosquitoes past, and the warmth of a typical night in Grenada, I couldn't find the time to fall asleep. I've never been so frustrated in search for some shut-eye as I was last night. After much tossing and turning, at 3 a.m. I finally popped up in rage, clicked a light on and waited until I could spot and crush the pesky mosquitoes that were haunting my bed. When I saw the first, I was so mad that my arm snapped out like a snake attack and my hand chomped the thing, first try. You can't understand how good it felt. I eventually, smashed the other two with the same speed and agility that was used against the first. Then I took a shower and fell asleep when arrived back in bed. (To Grenada's credit this is the first bad night of my time here and it makes for a good, miserable memory.)

As I lay nearly naked on a mattress on the floor I reflected on my last couple of hours. Then I prayed. I prayed the usual stuff before I moved to thanking God that I was not as screwed up as I could possibly be. Hmm...What the heck? Why would I pray that? Right away I was disturbed with what just came out of my mouth as I talked to the Creator of the universe. It clicked in my mind that I was praying the same prayer as a Pharisee in a parable told by Jesus in Luke 18. This was his prayer: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.' Wow, I just don't know. I read the tax-collector's prayer: 'God, be merciful to me, the sinner!' Beating his breast and unwilling to lift his eyes towards heaven, King Jesus said that this humble man would be exalted.

Now, I believe that it is good to offer prayers of thanksgiving towards God. However, my prayer and the Pharisee's were proud prayers of gratitude like saying, "Thanks God for making me awesome and better than all the guys who aren't as awesome as me!" For me to ever think of myself as above any other is not only ignorant but very proud of me. So the question must be asked, what is the difference between a humble prayer of gratitude and one full of pride?

It's a common habit for Americans to thank God that they were born in the U.S. when they hear stories of war or famine affecting other countries. If you've ever talked to someone who went on a missions trip to a place filled with poverty, you may have heard something like, Wow, I just thank God that I was born in this great country! But do we really think that God likes us better and chose us to live in circumstances that would better our chances of becoming "less screwed up" than others? I don't know.

See, I don't think it's wrong to thank God for these things but I do think it should be much more of a priority to thank God for his endless mercies and grace showered over our disgustingly sinful souls. So, maybe we haven't realized who we really are. Or, maybe we haven't realized who God really is. Either way, my conclusion is this: Whether you're an American, Ugandan, Iraqi, Afghanistanian, democrat, republican, independent, homosexual, heterosexual, tax-collector, Pharisee, prostitute, president, murderer, lover, hater, pedophile, masturbater, luster, man, woman, pastor, adult, teenager or kid we're all really screwed up, we are all sinners and we all desperately need grace through Christ. Personally, I have been blessed with much therefore I have much to be grateful for but a true humble prayer of gratitude is as the tax-collector prayed. So, when we truly come to terms with the reality that we are indeed wretched sinners, nothing else really matters but grace.

naked in a coffee shop

I love to watch people. So when I'm sitting in a coffee shop and an interesting person sits right in front of me, I am happy when he sips his oddly green smoothie, sets it down and stares at it for a moment before he continues with his work. This is one of the reasons I love coffee shops so much and was so excited to finally have an opportunity to sit and sip a Chai Latte in a coffee shop in Grenada.

As I waste time on Facebook in Rituals' Coffee I set my status to the following: "Doug wants to be naked and OK with it." Now, any person with a full functioning head would quite possibly be intrigued by this statement. Why would Doug want to take off his clothes in the middle of Rituals' Coffee? And why would Doug be OK with that?

If you know me, I think you may have picked up that sometimes I have interesting ways of organizing or expressing my thoughts. If you don't know me or did not know that about me then please note this as an example. Please further note that I do not literally want to be physically nude right now nor do I ever desire nakedness in public places. However, it's true that I would like to be content if I was stripped naked. And as we've previously established, the average person would raise a brow to this statement but for myself, I think of Job when he said something similar,

"Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked I will depart. The Lord gives and takes away, may the name of the Lord be praised."

This is one of my favorite verses. I came to this earth with squat, I am blessed to have a lot, but when I die, what do I got? (I just made that crappy rhyme up.) I want to be content if and when I am stripped of everything and everyone I love. Not just content but even encouraged to grow, praising God and constantly expressing an unaffected joy despite my losses. Being in Grenada has shown me that I have depended too much on other people. I learn from other people, I grow with other people, I help other people with other people, I'm held accountable, I'm encouraged to pray and read by other people. Community is amazing and is a true blessing when you've found it but I think that, possibly, the emerging church culture can put too much emphasis on community. Among the spiritual disciplines, community has been raised to the top of the church's priorities. But, I think that every spiritual discipline is equally very important. For example, if we think prayer is more important than scripture-reading then we pray to a God we don't know. If we prefer scripture-reading over prayer, then we gain the head knowledge but our heart is not completely in it. Likewise, if we put community above the rest then we don't know what to do when we're left alone. These disciplines must be balanced.

A healthy balance of community, prayer, reading, worship and service is essential to having a healthy, life-changing relationship with Christ as well as being affective in ministry. Missions involves loneliness and until you're prepared to transform your loneliness into solitude (as Henri Nouwen puts it) I don't think you're ready.

Like many other Christians, I put too much emphasis on community. I grew very much back in Lansing with an amazing group of brothers and sisters in Christ that I have been blessed with. But too much depended on them so when they were gone...I was spiritually lost. If I were more balanced and read the scriptures more by myself or prayed more by myself or served more by myself then I would be more prepared for going by myself to a different place and culture.

I thought I was ready to drop everything to follow Christ until I realized that that meant leaving an encouraging and comfortable community behind. hmm...

questions have come up...

So, I've been working with the work team for the past few days. They are very cool guys and I enjoy spending time with them. However, there just isn't enough work for all of us. Maybe its just bad communication but it is extremely frustrating to stand around waiting for someone to tell you to fetch a level.

Recently, I focused my time on the kids when they're on their breaks and painting a sign, so it's been better.

I'm having an absolutely wonderful time in Grenada but I've not spiritually grown in the way that I was hoping I would. Questions have come up. How can I be a missionary in a completely different culture and place when my faith seems to be so affected by the community or lack of community around me? How can I leave everyone and everything behind to follow Christ when the only time I seem to follow Christ is when I have everyone and everything? Why am I not motivated to read or pray?

I want to depend on Christ alone...

never say never

so, this "25 random things about you" crap has been flying around. i never do this. but as someone said before a lot of other people started saying it, "never say never."

1. I really do love Jesus.
2. Music and mission work constantly battle over my future.
3. You probably don't understand.
4. Maybe I don't.
5. I love really friendly people.
6. I try hard to be that really friendly person.
7. It's hard sometimes.
8. I don't understand a lot of things.
9. I get overwhelmed by all I know I can learn and all that I want to learn.
10. I am constantly on the offense when it comes to writing songs.
11. I like hanging out with kids.
12. One reason is because sometimes I'd rather not be around adults.
13. They're too complex.
14. Sometimes, I would just rather play my guitar.
15. I honestly only play my own music.
16. I'm not stuck-up, I'd rather create than duplicate.
17. I just made up that rhyme.
18. I think rhyming encourages creativity and thought.
19. I can't figure out how to flush this toilet.
20. I easily feel like I'm wasting time.
21. People with passion inspire me.
22. I refresh my e-mail account at least 10 times a day.
23. Every time I do crap like this I ask myself "why?" as I type.
24. I don't know if I am a Christian artist or an artist that professes Christ as Lord and Savior.
25. Again, you probably don't understand.

some slow days...

Hello. Not much exciting has happened these past few days. Tonight the work team comes from Utah or something to lay cement (if you lay it) at the school property. Right now, three of the school rooms lack a ceiling. Needless to say they are currently unusable until the end of the week. We spent the bulk of today preparing for their arrival and we'll pick them up tonight. Anyway, I'm excited to have them show up. It will be great to have the opportunity to work with them throughout this next week and get to know them.

Also, tonight I was walking out of the grocery store and my sunglasses fell. Before I realized it a guy handed them to me. When I turned around to retrieve them I noticed a Grenadian college student I had met while playing soccer the beach about a week ago. It was one of those things where he was walking and I was caught off-guard so I didn't get a chance to talk to him. I hate when weird things like that happen. But, we acknowledged each other with a smile and the universal man nod. Anyway, when I had talked to him before he had invited me to play soccer with him and some other guys on Sundays. I've not been able to show up yet but I'm very much looking forward to the time that I have a chance. I really hope to play some more soccer here. I love soccer. One of the things I love about it is that it is such a widely appreciated sport. I think it's the most popular in the world. It is such a blessing to be able to connect with people of different cultures and sometimes different languages through a mutual love for the game. My uncle also mentioned that I might be able to instruct a soccer clinic on Fridays with the kids from his primary school. So, we'll see how that turns out but I love to use the abilities I've been blessed with to bless others so I am all for it.

Other than that, I started a new song which is always exciting for me.

If you're the praying type please pray for my spiritual growth here and for opportunities for me to really get to know people.

Jesus in a Christian School

Recently, as I have considered my future I have put a great amount of thought into the possibility of striving to become a Christian school Bible teacher. My ideal career would be to teach in the States for a few years and eventually go abroad. Anyway, coming from a Christian school myself, I have developed many thoughts on how it is constructed. I also get some interesting reactions from my fellow alumni for desiring this career. The question could be asked, why would I want to teach Bible where it overwhelms the students multiple times a day and multiple days a week? Here are my thoughts:

1. Against common assumption, not all Christian school attenders follow Christ much less believe in their hearts that He is Lord. They need Jesus.

2. Many if not most of the students don't truly know what it means to follow Christ. This is what I call ignorance. I realize that by saying this I take the risk of coming across as if I know what it truly means to follow Christ. However, I don't believe ignorance is black and white. We all run back and forth on a scale of ignorance. My point is that when Christ calls us He calls us to come and die, He calls us to be passionate. He calls us to lay aside everything, pick up our crosses and follow Him to a spiritual and, at times, a physical death. Students may hear this without fully understanding it because it is so easy to remain oblivious to the chains and the deaths of our brothers and sisters in Christ that are happening right now. An estimated 160,000 Christians are martyred a year, just read the countless stories on persecution.com or christianpersecution.info. Right now, people are literally passionately following Christ to the death. I have come to understand this to a point but I remain ignorant because I have not shared their chains nor experienced their pain. I am not saying that to truly follow Christ you need to go physically die a bloody death, that is legalism. But I am saying that there is a radical faith and love to Christianity that can be hidden through a Christian school education. Instead of presenting Christianity as merely a religion or a safety net it should be presented through stories of passion including the most passionate one of all.

3. Continuing on the topic of ignorance, I believe teenagers can be unaware of the need for Jesus in the world. People we know personally and people we'll never meet are dying inside and out. Currently, we are unaware of each others' secret emotional pains and we can easily remain oblivious to the physical pains of the world. So, it is no surprise that many don't seem to care about people's spiritual needs seeing that there seems to be a lack of passion for taking care of others' physical needs.

4. A friend of mine pointed out to me that the Bible is presented as a textbook. I agree with this statement. The Word is a sword, it is living and active and we must learn how to use it before we cause harm

So those are some thoughts. They may be slightly disorganized but that's because I'm in a hot room and it's almost 1 o'clock in the morning. Anyway, Christian schooling is a very unique ministry that I would love to be a part of. I hope to continue learning and growing so that I'm not as much of a hypocrite when I teach. Pretty much, I hope to bring awareness to the passionate death that we are called to and the full life that it brings and I can't do it without Christ in me. After all, Christ said in John 10:10, "I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." If you read all of this...i hope it made sense.

comparing the arts

Before my aunt left for a funeral she supplied me with paint, brushes and a canvas. I started painting for the first time since my senior year of high school. Well, that was three years ago and if it weren't for me being artistically minded, I would've called it a disaster. However, because I am artistically minded, I realize that patience is key. I've learned quite a bit in my time as a singer/song-writer and it is natural for me to compare my visual art to my experience in the art of song composition. Having said that, I've decided to take the angle I take in the creating of my music to the painting of my visual art. In writing songs, I try to sit with my guitar and write everyday. I will often sing small phrases or hum various tunes before a true musical and lyrical expression of myself will naturally flow out of my being. I like to believe that if it weren't for my many failed attempts, I would not have the ability to create something honest and beautiful in the end. With this in mind, I will paint. I know I can paint though, right now it may seem as if I cannot just as I know I am able to write songs though at times it may seem as if I were not. So, I will continue to create and eventually, I will produce something honest and beautiful.

Istra 4 Christ

Istra had a part in the starting of a Grenadian mission team called All 4 Christ. As she worked behind the desk at my aunt and uncle's bookstore, Art & Soul Books, she shared with me the brief history and summary of All 4 Christ. Her and a group of Grenadians went on a missions trip along side a group of Jamaicans to Northern Ireland this past summer. Since returning to Grenada, they formed this non-denominational group that would joyfully offer their service to the community in their homeland. It has become a group of 20 to 30 young people and though they are all from different religious backgrounds, each one is devoted to loving God and loving people.

Istra told me about their first project. This past Christmas, they packed a truck full of bags of food and distributed them to people in need throughout the country. Her smile was constant as she continued to share what God had been doing through this group and invited me to their weekly meeting. I plan to attend. I am excited to have met Istra and hear her involvement in this ministry as well as the opportunity to join my brothers and sisters in All 4 Christ-Grenada. Check out their youtube video here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsVgWqY7DaA

these are my hopes...

As the extended family packs up and heads home, I pack up and head towards a more independent life on the island of Grenada. The city of St. Paul holds the home of my Aunt Susan and Uncle Reuben. Their home holds me. So now, I am in the place between a wide eyed tourist and a wide eyed student. In other words, I spent a week lounging and soon, I will be here to learn and work for five weeks. So, whether you have asked or not I will now answer the question of why I am excited to take this trip. These are my hopes:

1. First and foremost, I want to better understand Christ. I want to continue learning what it means to love Christ and love people. I want to grow in wisdom and discipline.

2. I want to learn and grow through experience on the mission field. I'll be working with a work team next week and I will have many other opportunities as well.

3. I want to learn and grow through experience as a creative artist. I am always looking for opportunities to grow as a songwriter and a musician but here I want to exceed in visual art. My Aunt Susan is a well known artist in the Caribbean and I am blessed to have the opportunity to learn from her. She is excited to have me here so that I can be her gopher and I'm just hoping that I can be a gopher that gets the chance to paint. Either way, I will learn a lot and it will be a huge blessing. I've already learned how to stretch canvases.

4. Lastly, I want to grow in these four disciplines:
a. community
b. prayer
c. reading
d. serving

Staying here for six weeks is an amazing opportunity I have been blessed with. I am convinced that I will learn and grow very much. Please pray for me as i am here.